


Young, Dumb, And In Love

by Ladytalon



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Male Bonding, Undecided Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3905077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re going to topple the Justice League just as soon as they sober up, finish their pizza, and quit talking about girls.  <b>EARTH-14</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Young, Dumb, And In Love

  
  
“How about this one?” Noah asks, spreading his arms and waiting expectantly for his friends to give their opinions. 

Merlyn squints at him and twirls his index finger in the air, so Noah turns around. “Not bad, but I’m not sure about those boots. A different color, perhaps, Arthur?”

The other man looks up from where he’s showing plans for his latest invention to Lenny. “What?”

“The boots.”

“You’re asking _me_ for fashion advice? Has the End of Times arrived already?” He pushes his bangs out of his eyes and leans forward. “Okay, yeah… that’s a lot of black. Maybe if you added the pattern down the sides of the boots it would be okay. Wearing white boots is a level of commitment I’m not sure you’re ready for.”

“Does that chest-piece actually work?” Cold interrupts. “No offense, but you look like a walking crossword puzzle with a bomb attached to it.”

“Leave him alone; it looks fine,” Merlyn says, reaching out to fondle his arrows meaningfully. 

Arthur drums his blue drafting pencil on the edge of the table, still frowning at Noah. “Forget about the bomb, what’s going on with that visor?”

Noah glares around impartially. “We are gathered here today-”

“Dearly beloved,” Lenny adds, which makes them all snicker.

“We are gathered here today because we were supposed to finalize our plans for the Justice League, and I _thought_ I could get some constructive criticism from _grown men_.” He reaches up to touch the visor self-consciously. “Maybe that was too much to ask for.”

Merlyn crosses his legs at the ankles and leans back against the sofa cushions. “We’re not _that_ grown, Noah. Look, I think you should go with white boots – if Arthur can keep his looking halfway decent, you’ll be just fine.”

“I guess you could say that I’m a-”

“Oh God, don’t say it.”

“A shoo-in,” he finishes triumphantly. “I’m getting better at this, I must say.”

“ _You_ must say it because nobody else is going to,” Merlyn says severely. “That was awful.”

Len finds a blunt somewhere in his parka and holds it up. “Hey, look what I’ve got – who wants some? Got a _light_ , Arthur?”

The other man extends his middle finger and uses the tech in his gloves to manipulate the light particles around it until a flame appears. “Pretty _cool_ , huh?”

“It’s _brilliant_.”

“Sends a _chill_ up my spine.”

“Will you two knock it off?” Merlyn hisses at them.

“Yeah, Lenny, let’s put this conversation on _ice_ …”

Noah shakes his head and pushes the cowl back, running his fingers through his hair briskly. “Seriously, we need to figure out how we’re doing this. What do we know about the League’s defensive capabilities? Arthur, you’ve tangled with them before – enlighten us.”

Arthur points at him with the pencil. “I like that, I’m going to use it next time. Uh, okay, defense… that cave isn’t the easiest place in the world to get into, but they _do_ have that dumb kid hanging around all the time. All anyone has to do is follow him in there. What’s his name? Dapper, Trapper? Something like that.”

“Snapper,” Merlyn corrects. “He’s the one who gets all of that free pizza.”

Lenny sighs loudly. “I wish _we_ had some pizza.”

“If you’d lay off the weed, you wouldn’t be so hungry all the time. Let’s focus on the _League_ , please,” Noah announces loudly. “Arthur knows where the cave is and since that’s more than the rest of us have on the individual League members – should we bug the place, should we blow it up, what?”

They all agree on planting surveillance devices since actually having knowledge about their enemies’ base of operations is too good to waste – after all, who knows where they’d move to next? There is a slight argument that breaks out when Arthur mentions that he’s drawn a map of the cave, however.

“Figures, you ginormous fuckin’ _nerd_ ,” Lenny says, rolling his eyes as he passes the joint to Merlyn who sniffs it, makes a face, and immediately hands it off to Noah.

Arthur narrows his eyes. “This _nerd_ didn’t have to pay for a date last night, unlike _you_ , so let’s stop pretending that’s such a big insult.”

“Yeah, right. I wonder how the end of that free date went.”

“All you have to do is ask your sister. She seemed to be enjoying herself.”

Lenny gives him a _very_ unfriendly look. “I wouldn’t be running your mouth off about Lisa, if I were you. Roscoe catches wind of it, and you’ll be eating your meals through a straw for the rest of your life.”

“She called his name out only once, so I’m not worried about _Roscoe_ …”

Noah laughs and passes the joint over to him. “Here, you’ll need this in case he shows up and throws you off a building without your tech.”

“Nobody’s throwing _me_ off a building,” Arthur says, inhaling and turning to blow the smoke over in Merlyn’s direction. “Hey, we’ve been here almost three hours and haven’t heard you talk about _you-know-who_ even once. What gives?”

Merlyn waves his hand in front of his face. “That smells _disgusting_. Why don’t you go get that map you claim to have, and we’ll go from there?”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

“Hey, bring back some pizza,” Lenny cries.

“Fuck you – nerds don’t frequent pizza parlors,” Arthur says, standing up and swinging his cape back over his shoulders. “Come with me and get it yourself, if you’re so hungry.”

Lenny pulls his boots back on, to everyone’s relief, and digs in his pockets for change. “Damn, I’m out… guess that means we’re getting a pie on the house. Shit, where’d my gun go…?”

“Check the cushions,” Noah advises. “Might want to put your gloves on first though, because who knows what’s in there.” Merlyn gives him a look. “I suppose that means you already cleaned it,” he adds.

They all watch Len dig through the cushions and find not only his missing gun, but also fifty-three cents in change and a stick of gum. “That fell out of his pockets,” Merlyn says defensively. “I _vacuumed_ it. Hang on a second, Arthur.”

Light takes a break from polishing his helmet with a corner of his cape and raises his eyebrows expectantly. “What, do you need me to pick up something for you? Meet you outside, Lenny.”

Merlyn waits until the other man leaves before glancing over at Noah. “You didn’t _really_ go out with Lisa last night, did you,” Merlyn says. “You were just fucking around with him like always, right?”

“Oh, no – I took her out last night. She wanted to go to see that movie that just came out; you know, _The Exorcist_? Roscoe didn’t want to watch it, so she called me… I think I still have nail marks in my arm from Lisa hanging onto it.” He pauses to take a drag from the blunt, exhaling the smoke towards the ceiling. “I think I’m partially deaf in my left ear from her howling into it. She’s a nice kid, but _Jesus_ , she’s a screamer. Not that she’d take any interest in _me_ with Top being built like a damned Charles Atlas advertisement. I’ve been stuck in a state of pre-pubescence all of my adult life,” Arthur mourns, referring to his slim build.

Noah laughs and holds out a hand for the joint. “Isn’t there supposed to be a scene where the kid’s head spins around?”

“Why d’you think I said she yelled out Roscoe’s name?” Arthur jokes. “She knows what she likes. Hey, we’ll be back in thirty.”

“If you’re taking requests,” Merlyn says, “Could you get-”

“Cheese only, I know.” Arthur bends quickly and plants a kiss on the archer’s lips, receiving a stinging slap in the face in return.

“Get out of here, you glorified broomstick,” Merlyn snaps, avoiding Noah’s eyes as Arthur saunters out the door looking mightily pleased with himself. There’s another loud swell of laughter, then silence as the two men leave. “What?” he finally demands.

Noah holds up his hands, palms out to signify surrender. “I didn’t say anything.”

Merlyn sighs and gestures towards the ashtray. “Would you put that thing out? The smell turns my stomach.”

“It’s almost out anyway,” Noah says, grinding the stub against the orange glass and taking the ashtray outside. When he comes back in, he clears his throat delicately. “So… you and Arthur?”

“ _No_. Yes. Yes and no. But mostly no, yet sometimes yes. I just, we’re just, I mean- _quit asking_!”

Noah makes the ‘time out’ signal. “I’m not asking for details, and it’s fine if you’d rather not talk about it. I was just a bit surprised, is all… have I told you about the girl I’ve been seeing?”

The look of pure relief that slides across his best friend’s face makes him glad that he’s hit upon the perfect distraction. “You’d mentioned her the last time we spoke on the telephone, but I didn’t want to pry.”

“Pry? Oh, _God_ no. In fact… I was hoping you could actually give me some advice, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Merlyn sits up straight, pleased at being asked for his opinion. “Of course not, Noah. Now, was this Jacqueline or…was her name Elizabeth?”

“Well, they’re both the same girl. Woman, I _should_ say. Her full name is Jacqueline Elizabeth Harris, but she prefers to go by Elizabeth.” Noah sighs, thinking of her. “Wonderful woman, just wonderful. Beautiful, kind… she’s so _nice_ , Merlyn. You really wouldn’t believe it.”

“It doesn’t sound like there’s a problem,” Merlyn points out. “If she accepts you, what possible advice could you need?”

Noah scrubs his hands through his hair with a groan. “See, _that’s_ the problem! She doesn’t know I’m the Calculator!”

“You’ve been dating this Elizabeth for how long now? A month?”

“Give or take a few weeks, yes.”

“It’s not something you can just spring on her, Noah. I’d suggest giving it a little more time… let it flourish into a state of hopeless infatuation – on _her_ part, not yours – and once she’s given you ample evidence of her devotion, break it to her gently.”

Noah frowns. “Oh, I don’t know. I mean, it sounds good on paper but what if she rejects me after I tell her? How do you ‘break’ your supervillain status to someone _gently_?”

“That’s something I can’t really help you with, I’m afraid,” Merlyn says regretfully. “The one man who _could_ help you with it is probably stoned out of his mind and robbing a pizzeria with Leonard Snart at this very moment. Apparently he’s had a _lot_ of practice at this sort of thing. If you think that she doesn’t love you enough to accept you for who you are, though, I have to say that you’d probably be better off without her.”

It’s not precisely what he’s longing to hear, but Noah has to admit that it makes sense. He claps his friend on the shoulder and stands up. “I’ll keep that in mind…thanks. Listen, I’m gonna go change and they should be back with that pizza soon, if they haven’t stopped somewhere to sleep it off. Or gotten themselves tossed in jail.”

Merlyn opts to try his luck at one of the few unfinished crossword puzzles in the book they all work in whenever they get together, and Noah carefully stores his outfit after he changes into his street clothes. He’s thinking up a five letter synonym for ‘metal bar’ and scrutinizing Light’s new invention – this one’s a pistol that looks like it came from a sixties science fiction movie – when the sound of laughter and heavy footsteps alerts them to their friends’ return. Lenny gives the ‘shave and a haircut’ knock before pushing the door open. “…no, it doesn’t count as unnecessary roughness if you _enjoyed_ it!”

“Yeah, but the trick is proving I enjoyed it,” Arthur argues, coming in to drop four pizza boxes down on the table that Noah’s just cleared off. “I wear a cup.”

“And _I’m_ not hungry anymore,” Noah says. “Nobody wants to hear about your dick, so cool it.”

Light lifts a corner of his cape and fans his crotch jokingly. “Okay, we’ve got plain cheese and a Polaroid photo of Green Arrow for Grumpy Gus over here” he slides a box over to Merlyn “some sort of vegetarian bullshit, and two pepperoni.”

Noah reaches over and opens the lid on Merlyn’s pizza to find that there actually _is_ a photo of their friend’s nemesis. “How the hell did you get this?”

“They had it taped up in the restaurant,” Lenny explains, taking a huge bite out of the ‘vegetarian bullshit.’ “Thish ishn’t oo baff,” he tells Merlyn, who’s side-eyeing the box as if might be alive.

Arthur and Lenny steadily work their way through most of the pizza, and Light muffles a belch as he reaches for the map he’d left to get. Noah moves the empty boxes off onto the floor, and they all lean in as the map is spread out. “This is from last year, so who knows what they’ve changed… over _here_ is where the vehicles were. It’s a good bet that they haven’t been moved, because there isn’t much space anywhere else,” Arthur says, tapping his finger on the indicated area. “Here’s the, well, I guess it’s just a conference table. If we could somehow station someone right above it – maybe drill a hole – they’d be talking about the majority of their plans there.”

“Listen to you,” Lenny whistles. “You almost sound like a real adult.”

“Good-looking _and_ able to get down to business – these skills aren’t available just anywhere as a packaged set,” Arthur says, giving Merlyn a bland look. “Decent surveillance gear is still too large to be concealed easily but don’t you know anyone who can get their hands on some of that CIA equipment, Noah? I don’t have the contacts for it, and I don’t have the patience to develop any of my own.”

Noah pulls the map closer. “I know a few guys, sure. I’m a little surprised that _you_ don’t know anyone.”

The other man makes a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. “If I need copper wire or military grade explosives, I know someone. I’m not about to trust him to bring me a phone sweep if I’ve never bought one from him before.”

“What do _you_ need a phone sweep for?” Merlyn asks.

“So nobody hears me make an obscene phone call to your mother. _It was an example_.”

“Jesus; calm the hell down, both of you,” Lenny interrupts. “So we plant a few bugs for ‘em to find, and hide a camera or two where they won’t think to look. Where’s a place you’d never expect a camera to be? Nobody’d better say the john.”

They all contribute a few smartass answers – including the bathroom despite Len’s prohibition against mentioning it – but Noah drums his fingers on the table and gazes at the pile of pizza boxes. “Hey. You said Snapper Carr gets free pizza… I’m sure he would also take it back to the cave since he’s always there, right? Anyone have a blade handy?”

Lenny pulls a switchblade from his belt and flicks it open while Merlyn sets one of the empty pizza boxes back onto the table. They cut into the back seam and Arthur bends over a pad of graph paper to do a rough sketch of what they’ll need. Embedding the bug into the cardboard will be easy – guessing which pizzeria the kid will order from is the hard part, as is ensuring that they’ll be able to retrieve the device for further use. They quickly divide up their tasks; Noah will get the bug and after Lenny brings him order information from the pizza places Carr has been known to frequent, will figure out which pizzeria he’ll most likely buy from next. Merlyn will place the decoys and run surveillance, and Arthur will use his particular gifts to impersonate either the cashier or delivery boy…all depending upon which option Snapper goes for.

“You could just actually apply for the job and come by some money honestly, for once in your life,” Noah says slyly.

“Let’s not go _too_ crazy, here,” Arthur laughs. “Remember what happened the last time I tried?”

Lenny leans back to stretch. “Mick’s still talking about that one. That was, what, a four alarm fire? I think he kept the photo they printed in the paper.”

“It figures,” Merlyn says. “Well, if we’ve got _that_ out of the way…any gossip we want to trade?”

“The Combines are rumored to be really trying for a title this year…”

“Anything other than _hockey_ gossip. God, Len, _no_.”

Lenny frowns and tries again. “I heard Artie got to second base with Wonder Woman last week.” 

They all turn and look for confirmation of this event. “It was just an accidental brush against her tits when she was arresting me, but still. It was decent,” Arthur shrugs. “I’d give it a 5 out of 10.”

“Only a five?” Noah demands. “What’s wrong with you? They’re huge!”

“Why’re _you_ looking? I thought you were dating Whatshername,” Lenny says. “How’s that workin’ out for you?”

“Dating doesn’t make me completely _blind_. And it’s working fine…but…”

Arthur stretches a leg out beneath the table and nudges Noah’s knee with the toe of his boot. “You want to tell her, don’t you? You can’t just blurt it out, Noah.”

Noah glances over at Merlyn, who nods encouragingly. “How do _you_ do it, then?”

“You’ve got to break it to them gently, that’s all. You know how some ladies go for police officers because of the uniform? What you do first, is find out the real reason they like that damned uniform – some of them think the outfit makes the man, right? Well, _some_ of ‘em secretly want to be arrested and-”

“I’m not listening to this,” Noah yells. “If you can’t be serious, then-”

Arthur scissors his hands to cut into the looming tirade. “Hey! Sit down, okay? I _am_ being serious. Calm the fuck down. Haven’t you ever been out with a girl who knows exactly who you are?”

“Jesus, those are the best kind,” Len groans appreciatively.

Noah has to admit he has a good point. “I think we _all_ have, except maybe” he glances over at Merlyn, who’s looking back with a bland expression on his face “ _maybe_ it’s nice to date someone else,” he amends quickly. “I mean, I’m not saying that there’s too much of a difference between so-called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ girls…”

“The only real difference is the ‘good little girls’ have all those same urges but they’re hidden underneath all those good manners, you know?” Arthur says. “You just have to know how to make her comfortable enough to show it. In your case, I’d bet…how much is that bug going to cost, 2K? Here’s what we’ll do – if your sweet little Lizzie isn’t ready to show you her wild side when you finally let her know you’re not the fine, upstanding young man she thinks you are… I’ll cover the costs of surveillance _myself._ ”

Noah clears his throat. “But, um, _how_?”

“Yes, _enlighten_ us,” Merlyn says sarcastically. Lenny just leans forward avidly, not wanting to miss a moment.

“Okay, first? She’s obviously expecting you to show up for a date in your chinos, sweater vest and Top-Siders, right? Next time you see her, roll up your sleeves. The time after that, unbutton your shirt more than you usually would – maybe lose a button every now and again, until she really starts to notice and she knows you’re doing it on purpose. If you always kiss her goodnight, it’s probably just a peck on the lips or something if she’s still living at home. Heavy petting is your end goal, but she needs a little help getting her feet wet, so push her just a little.”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“I’m not saying to maul her like she’s a steak that’s fallen into the lion exhibit at the zoo, Noah. Just, you know, kiss her a little bit harder – a little bit longer, too. Put your hands on her shoulders and look into her eyes, because they love that shit, but when you take your hands away let your fingers _accidently_ brush one of her tits. Really lightly though, and act like you didn’t even do it – if she says something, play dumb and say you’re sorry, you had no idea. Start taking her to places she’d never go, even with her friends. The races, or a fight. Call her up when she least expects it, just to tell her how beautiful she is or even to ask her about how her day's going - you've got a decent voice and I bet she thinks it's sexy.”

Lenny interrupts. “We’ve all done this, though – why’s this supposed to be gospel all of a sudden?”

“Because you’ve got to be _smooth_ about it, and go slower than slow. You, my friend, aren’t the best at that - which kind of explains all that ‘paid date’ stuff I was talking about earlier,” Arthur says with a glare. “If you don’t want my advice, that’s fine – I’ll just go home.”

Noah sighs, still not sure. The advice seems sound enough, but still… “So this will prepare her for learning about what I really do?”

“Hell, yes. See, when you’re slowly easing her into our world… you have to be dropping hints like crazy. They should be subtle, like leaving out some newspapers where you’ve made the front page dressed in your gear, or if you get her over to your place you can start showing her gadgets you’ve made. That keypad you tried on earlier? Put it on the couch and drape something over it – you know she’s going to go over there and peek at it, girls can be curious as hell when they don’t think you’re watching them. Just keep dropping hints and leaving clues… when the time is right, you’ll know when you can tell her because if she’s still with you this far she’s just not going anywhere.” Arthur leans back and puts his hands behind his head. “It all begins with that policeman’s uniform. ‘Good’ girls are the planet’s most valuable resource – they’re proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

“Isn’t that a Ben Franklin quote about beer?” Merlyn says, looking more irritated than ever.

“It applies to girls, too,” the other man says airily. Noah shakes his head, thinking that Light is definitely playing with fire… a fact that their favorite serial monogamist picks up on after another look at the archer. “Hey, c’mon. He asked for advice, and I’m pretty sure _you_ were the one who put him up to asking.”

Merlyn stands up angrily. “That was before I heard what you had to say. You’ve certainly planned it all out, haven’t you?”

“Uh, what’s going on?” Lenny says, looking around. “Merle, what-”

“It’s been a long night, and I’m going home. Noah? Thank you for hosting. It was nice to see you again, Leonard.” Merlyn shoulders his quiver and storms out the door, so angry that he leaves his bow behind. 

Arthur goes over to pick it up and Noah rubs his temples, remembering why he doesn’t pursue relationships within their community. “This is when you go after him, Artie.”

“But I was just... I didn’t _mean_ …”

“ _This is when you go after him_ ,” Noah repeats firmly. “Len and I will work out how to get him back to Central City.”

Light heads out the door unhappily, and Lenny looks over at Noah. “The hell was _that_ about?”

“That was about what happens when insensitivity and stupidity intersect, Len. Do you need to be back tonight? You could just stay over and head back in the morning…”

The other man shakes his head and reaches for the lone pizza box that still has a few slices inside it. “Mind if I take this? I’ll just steal a car and drive back. Got a date tonight.”

“If you’re sure…yeah, go ahead and take it.”

Lenny takes off after a promise to get the information they need for their plan, and Noah gathers up the rest of the trash that the others (conveniently) forgot to take care of. There are a few bundles of wire, two bullets, and a condom beneath the sofa when he moves it back across the room so he drops it all into a paper bag to pass around next time they all meet up. The sudden clang of a trashcan lid hitting the ground over in the alley makes him open the door and lean out but since it's too early for the neighborhood punks to be out and about, and it's certainly not the weekend, all evidence points to it being Merlyn accepting an apology.

He shakes his head as he goes back in, locking the door and sliding the four deadbolts into place before sitting back down at the table. Noah looks over at the telephone on the wall, then at the clock. "I'm going to call her," he announces loudly to no one in particular, gathering his courage to go over there and make the call. Hopefully she won't be asleep yet, because it really _isn't_ that late. He stands up and paces back and forth, watching the phone from the corner of his eye as if it might get up and move if he's not looking, then decides to just go for it.

Noah crosses the room with purposeful strides, and starts dialing before he can convince himself not to. Elizabeth picks up on the first ring. " _Hello?_ " she asks. 

If he didn't know any better, Noah could swear that she sounds eager. Had she actually been waiting for him to call her? "Hello, Lizzie. It's Noah."

" _Oh, um, hello_ ," she says, almost sounding shy. Yes, she was definitely waiting around for him to call. " _It's nice to hear your voice_."

This statement puts him in mind of something Arthur had mentioned, and he clears his throat before lowering his voice slightly. "I was just thinking about how beautiful you are." There's absolute silence on the other end of the line, aside from the occasional crackle of static. "I... hope you had a good day today."

" _ **Oh**_ ," Elizabeth breathes. " _My day would have been better if **you** had been here with me_."

"Really?" Noah exclaims before he remembers to keep his voice low and play it cool. "I mean... _really_."

She giggles softly and he's ready to die, he feels so happy. " _Noah? Are...are you alone right now?_ "

Keep it _cool_ , Kuttler, he reminds himself sternly. "Of course not, beautiful girl. You're here with me," he tells her, and hears her sigh. She's sighing! Over _him_!

" _Um...Noah? Can I ask you something?_ "

"You can ask me _anything_ ," he promises suavely.

" _Promise not to laugh?_ "

"I swear I won't."

" _I was wondering if you could just...um... **talk** to me for a little? I don't care what it's about, I mean not **really** , but I just...well..._"

She trails off and Noah has to forcibly remind himself to keep breathing. "Yes?" he asks, dropping his voice even lower. He has a pretty good idea what she's going to say next and he can't believe it, he just can't _believe_ it.

Elizabeth swallows hard enough for him to actually _hear_ it, and he starts wondering when his pants had gotten so damned tight. This is turning out to be absolutely unbelievable. " _I just really like the sound of your voice_ ," she whispers. 

Noah has to drop the phone to his chest so that he can pump his fist in victorious self-congratulation before taking several deep breaths and picking the receiver back up. "I will tell you absolutely anything you'd like to hear," he tells her huskily.

" _Um. How about, um, how about describing your place for me? I haven't been there yet,_ " Elizabeth says, still whispering.

Yet. 

Holy Mother of _God_.

Arthur was right.

Noah clears his throat again, and closes his eyes briefly. "I'd just like to ask you a quick question first... how do you feel about police uniforms?"


End file.
